day 30.

- who are you?
i am not who i used to be. when i think back to how i used to act and the things i used to say, i hate myself. how did i let myself become so heartless? i find myself crying because of the mistakes i made, the regrets. i fucked up my entire world. i used to believe everything that was told to me. from the insults to the lies, i believed it all. "audrey is so ugly," made me go home and stare in the mirror, pointing out my imperfections. "audrey, you will never be good enough for him," made me give up everything i had. i ruined myself. i self destructed and it didn't end there. i continually let people bring me down. i drank myself into a hole. i was completely alone among people who swore they cared. none of them gave two shits. only one person ever did and i pushed him so far away that i couldn't do anything. my life was hell and i made it that way.

it took all summer until i found myself. and when i did, it hit me like a ton of bricks. i had turned into a monster. i was trying so hard to push my feelings away, that i lost myself. i finally faced my fears and realized that i was wrong in so many ways. i looked at things from a different point of view. i was the one who fucked up. my true feelings were replaced with drunken slurs. by the end of summer, i gave up caring about what other people thought of me. i stopped believing all the lies and false hopes. i started living for me and tried finding out where my life was headed next. then the dream came and it hit me that i needed to make things right again. i needed to apologize to every single person that i hurt. i needed to admit that i was wrong. i needed to regret what i had done.

so who am i? i am a girl with a fucked up past and a reputation for making mistakes. i have a huge heart and finally know how to put it to good use. i have one regret in life and i have learned to admit when i am wrong. i do not listen to the lies that are fed to me. i don't take advice from others if i disagree with them. i don't make promises i cannot keep. i do my best to make sure the people i surround myself with are happy.  i'm audrey. i shattered my world and i am trying to put the pieces back together day by day. i am no longer numb. i am no longer heartless. i am no longer cold. i am alive. i am in love. i am free.